You know, there's this die-hard programming in me that tells me I'm not worthy and deserving of living an abundant and beautiful life just as I am, today. There are moments when this pops up more intensely than others. Does this happen to you too?
To facilitate creation of new neural pathways for being in my worth, I've been pondering the various sources of this block and examining current-day manifestations of this programming.
One of the most memorable and impactful sources feels like old, old conditioning from my childhood and being surrounded by the mantra of GET GOOD GRADES.
Side note: The trauma of religious conditioning and emotional abuse that I experienced while in Catholic school from Kindergarten through 6th grade plus the tough transition into a highly competitive small-town public junior-senior high school also contribute. It's never just ONE THING.
Ay. Which is why it's smart practice to revisit these threads when we feel capable. Sometimes the reflection comes after the initial activation of strong emotion. Be gentle with yourself and the timing of self-reflection and moving into healing mode.
There is a very strong ongoing theme of evaluation and standards and striving that's very ingrained in our U.S. culture.
As if grades are the only thing that matter when you're in school. What about learning? What about enjoyment? What about tuning into your experience?
I remember how dumb I felt in high school when I'd get the lowest grade out of my friend group. It's not like we were competitive with one another, but we were surrounded by fellow nerds in our honors classes and man was it just constant comparing and not feeling good enough. WHY? Why was it ok for any of us to be subjected to this unrelenting judgment?
Art class was the only haven. And maybe lunch time. Sure wasn't gym class because all the super athletic, ego-driven guys would be so annoyed with you if you didn't catch the ball or score the point.
It's no wonder that kids HATE SCHOOL. Our society has made it the least possible fun thing to do. By the time you're graduating high school, you're like, WHAT? MORE SCHOOL?
I discovered the joy of learning when I could choose what I studied and I enjoyed the way it was presented.
I adore learning when it's experiential and meaningful which is probably why I've always loved art class. I use my hands. I'm good at it. It brings me joy. Art makes me feel like I'm "good enough" although at times it's challenging to fully embody the identity of "artist" with confidence (but that's another post for another time lol).
After college and dropping out of grad school and starting and stopping another field of study (nursing), I landed in massage therapy. It was a dream career for the most part. Flexibility was great. I loved how I was helping people feel less pain and stress. I felt like I was living my purpose.
And then the burnout came. And the elbow pain. And the frustration at hitting an earning ceiling very early on in my career. While the cost of groceries go up every year, our income does not. And I wonder how we all stay thriving in this business.
Many of us start our own practices. For some, things take off very quickly and their earning potential increases significantly. For others, it takes years to make the same amount that you were earning while on commission or employed. It's really a mixed bag.
Not much has changed in the 17 years I've been a massage therapist and now at 47, what's next?
Life has felt different ever since my life-altering, down-regulating experience with September's silent retreat. I honestly think my brain changed drastically from that experience. It's wild to me how much of a difference the removal of stimuli can bring about change. Funny, right?
5 days of not talking, not smiling, not communicating with expressions, plus being in nature and co-regulating with a group of fellow meditators healed my dysregulated nervous system AND helped me nurture an even deeper secure attachment to self and the land. WOW.
NOT years of therapy or healing work, but a weeklong SILENT meditation retreat is what did it. It's finally sinking in that this is what WORKED FOR ME. Of course, none of these things are separate, right?
What the silence did was offer me an opportunity to INTEGRATE everything I've experienced over lifetimes of healing work. This is the BALM that soothes my addictive nature of chasing the highs of healings.
The themes and messages are now abundantly CLEAR in a very somatic and embodied way because I've been flowing with my intuitive seasons of incubation/gestation, creation, integration, transitions, and death/rebirth (Thank you for the lessons, Lindsay Mack!).
Less is more. Everything you need is within. Peel back the layers. Let it go. Throw in every platitude and cliché mantra and it's showing up BIG TIME.
WHAT'S GOING ON?
The long-term sense of urgency is no longer present. The rumination on all the narratives and stories of my trauma and wounds and hurt and unprocessed grief is quiet. I finally understand how to leave the past in the past and move on much more quickly.
IS THIS WHAT TRUE RESILIENCE FEELS LIKE? (Mind blown here. REALLY.)
I'm beginning to see that the calling to grad school is the default survival strategy of my youth to feel love and belonging, ACCEPTANCE. (The "GET GOOD GRADES" voice can be soothed here with mindfulness.)
Grad school came up because I got hurt. The injury caused my nervous system to go into survival mode. My mind was telling me that this overuse condition was never going to change.
So while that may be true, what can also be true at the same time, is that I can still be a bodyworker and not feel constant pain. But the pain had to decrease and even stop before my brain could function properly to help me problem solve.
(Note: when your nervous system goes into survival mode, the default responses that pop up are not expansive. They're fear-based and anxiety-driven.)
What's so wild and MAKES SO MUCH SENSE is that all of this is tied to my money worries. If you don't have a baseline of income to thrive, it's challenging to fight your nervous system and dig yourself out of the hole all at the same time.
I'm so thankful for my support systems: my partner, the privilege of generational wealth, a nurturing work environment, my inner resources, the land, and spirit (My guides, including ancestors. HEY DAD. LOVE YOU!).
So what's up next is a movement workshop with Ann Kite, certified 5Rhythms instructor, called FIERCE HEART and Somatic Experiencing® Training!!! I think it's been like, the last 7 years that I've been telling every other client who comes in with unresolved trauma to go see an SE® practitioner.
What's so amazing about this modality is that I can train in it and practice it as a licensed massage therapist. WOOHOO! It also integrates really well with CranioSacral Therapy, my fave bodywork modality.
REMEMBER THAT HEART-LED LIVING BEGINS WITH LISTENING TO YOUR INTUITION (AND DEEPENING THE CONVO BY ENGAGING SKILLFULLY WITH THE MIND).
Life can be easy. Life can be fun. Life isn't about getting good grades anymore, Jenny! Seeking external validation is no longer a priority. My path is about choosing what's right for me no matter what anyone else thinks. And that is one of the most liberating feelings in the world.
WE ARE ALL ENOUGH, exactly as we are, extra education or not because there is so much more to you than performing and producing. You're valuable because you exist in the world.
I hope you realize this too, that if you took away ALL of your money-making capabilities, you would still be worthy of happiness. It's your birthright, just like intuition is. So please, I encourage you, do the things that bring you joy. TODAY. Don't wait until retirement.
Do them now. And do them as much as you like. And then change your mind and try something different. It's ok. It's ok to be sloppy and messy and make mistakes. This is how we find our way forward into new ways of being. This is what it's like to be fully human. We embrace this non-linear process. This is how you reclaim the fun of being you!
The self-discovery path leads us to open our hearts. And the more we open our hearts, the more we realize that YES. Everything we need is already here. It's just waiting for us to respond and take it all in.
What if we stopped wasting time holding anger and frustration? What if we simply LET GO OF THE STORY AND FIND COMPASSION for self and others? Is this possible?
YES, IT IS!
As deeply feeling humans, we're going to continue to experience life with an intensity that just comes with being us. Over time, it can soften and mellow. We learn how to ride the emotional wave to the other side where peace awaits.
If you're struggling to find your way as a highly sensitive person (HSP), I recommend these two books: The Handbook for Highly Sensitive People by Mel Collins and Emotional Sensitivity and Intensity: How to Manage Intense Emotions as a Highly Sensitive Person by Imi Lo. Links connect to my affiliate page on Bookshop. I receive a commission on the sale and we both get to support indie bookshops!
Hang in there. We're worth it. You are deserving of a life filled with flow, JUST AS YOU ARE. I'm going to keep saying that because our programming of not believing this is strong and repetition helps to interrupt the looping thoughts of not feeling like enough. What also helps is tuning into the somatic side of things. Curious? Give me a call for a free consult and we can chat about how this works in the body: 571-473-7509.
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