With each passing year, I get clearer and clearer on how to speak my needs effectively in relationships. It's been a messy path and one so completely rewarding.
I have a regular practice of taking inventory of my current relationships to determine where better communication is needed and how I can clean up my side of the street.
I invite you to try on these questions as you reflect on your relationships:
Where are you over-giving? Are you hooked into the controlling habit of giving unsolicited advice?
When someone wants your help, they might just ask for it. And sometimes it's kinder and more compassionate to simply ASK THEM if they want your input, before you volunteer your opinion. This Boundaries 101 tip of asking for permission instead of assuming consent is an essential communication skill we often overlook in an effort to prove our value, insert our ego, or feel superior.
This is me too! I can be that annoying friend who's like, "HEY, have you tried THIS? There's also x, y, and z you might want to check out because blah, blah, blah..."
I just love sharing resources and information! AND if someone's not asking for help, I don't need to overload them if they're already swimming in their emotions and navigating a state of nervous system dysregulation.
In most cases, a friend is just looking for you to LISTEN and empathize with their experience.
When I get into super info-dissemination mode, I have to slow down and take a moment to feel into why I'm needing to influence my friend.
I'm reminded to check in and note if I'm being respectful of their unique personal path and journey. This has been a tough one for me to keep in check due to old codependent tendencies and my love for sharing ALL OF THE THINGS.
This also speaks to my difficulty in hearing "no." Where does this stem from?
It goes back to childhood when we struggled with self-regulation and delayed gratification. The shame that goes unwitnessed by a caretaker then wants to be witnessed now in our current day connections.
When we rescue another it's like trying to heal our own wound of not having our needs met as children.
This can translate as a pattern of feeling like we must be relevant and knowledgable in order to feel connection. It's an attempt to boost self-esteem and prove our worthiness as a person and as a friend.
My insecure parts think, "Why would someone want to be my friend if I'm NOT providing useful information?" And in some scenarios, I unconsciously default to rescue mode because it feels good to influence someone and feel significant. This is a basic human need. To be recognized and feel valued.
However, we can easily slide too far down the slope and think we're "helping" when we're really controlling. This is so common because it's often the unhelpful pattern that anxious individuals default to in an effort to cope with the discomfort of feeling out of control. Observe yourself without judgment and with loving honesty so you can catch yourself when this happens and then choose a more conscious action.
What do you value when it comes to relationships and self-expression?
I'm here for sovereignty and diversity of thought and giving a friend space to navigate their own journey. And I'm also human and on the path of shifting unhelpful patterns.
Collectively we're being called to self-reflect and get clear on where you end and where your friend begins. Feel into that space between you two.
A simple, "Hey, can I share some info with you or do you want me to just listen?" is an easy way to discover their boundary and listen to it. I've had to be very honest with myself on this one and commit to showing up differently for my friends.
It took me a while to realize that what I thought was helpful felt pushy to some. Everyone has different boundaries and ways of communicating their needs. Some are more direct than others. One way is not better than the other. To nurture compassionate exchanges, we must learn how to respect differing communication styles.
Most times, I need to simply get out of their fields and pull my energy back into me. I don't always remember to do this, but when I do, the other person feels safe and heard in my presence rather than bulldozed over.
Trust also takes time to build which is often triggering for us anxious folks. And for people more inclined to be avoidant, trust doesn't really exist... ever. Don't give up on them (us!).
Sometimes we need to test the waters before we allow ourselves to feel vulnerable. Which brings us to...
Where are you playing small and not speaking your needs? Are you the friend who listens endlessly, never interjecting to make space for yourself in the conversation?
If we desire to be accountable for our communication, it's up to us to own up to our role in the relationship dynamic and explore our own boundaries.
What kind of energy are you bringing to the conversation? Are you being clear about your need to be heard? If you want space to talk about yourself, you might have to resist asking the requisite, people pleasing follow up questions about what they're talking about so you don't run out of time to express yourself.
When you feel the conversation running off way into the distance and they keep going and going on about themselves, pull your energy back and reground yourself as you notice yourself getting annoyed.
Then redirect the flow of the conversation. You don't even have to point out how hyper focused they are on themselves. Try interjecting and start talking about your situation with a "Hey, can I tell you what happened to me the other day?" and see how they respond.
If it's a repeating pattern, you can try, "Hey, I love hearing about x, y, z, but I'm having a hard time with... Can you listen for a bit?"
Sometimes I'll just press pause on the convo by going to the bathroom or getting a drink of water. Your friend might get the hint that it's your turn to talk. And other times, I just opt to get off the phone or do my best to leave the situation. Which leads to...
Where are you avoiding the hard conversations? Are you the friend who has zero tolerance for any kind of awkwardness and preserves the peace at your own expense? Do you find yourself feeling frustrated and resentful all the time with certain people?
Unfortunately when you decide to go that route, you can end up with a lot of superficial connections that aren't satisfying or worth investing your time or energy in.
In some cases, keeping things light is preferred. Not all relationships need to be a deep exploration of boundaries and communication. You might like the banter and appreciate their sense of humor if it's not poking fun in a mean way.
I've had to tell a close friend that their their jokes weren't funny to me anymore and felt hurtful. I was met with defensiveness which gave me so much information. They weren't interested in holding space for my feelings.
Ironically (or karmically so), I've also been the insensitive friend who didn't want to apologize when my joke hurt my friend's feelings. It told me that my ego was getting in the way of being kind. I'm more inclined to back down now that I know what it feels like to be hurt by humor even if no ill will was intended.
When you begin to speak your truth and communicate your boundaries, know that some people aren't going to like it and that's ok. It's possible you can work things out and in some cases, you'll move onto new relationships that are more satisfying with people who are open to learning how to be caring and responsive.
You will make some individuals feel uncomfortable just by your presence because you'll be in your personal power. Some people just can't handle that. They might even project their discomfort onto you. But that's another blog post for another day! (Hello narcissistic energy! And I'm mostly aware of when I start going into mine.)
Where are you being too transactional and keeping close tabs on who has done what and when and how?
The best relationships flow naturally out of a shared commitment to expressing love and care to one another without keeping score. If you find yourself getting the short end of the stick time and again, it's an indicator you might not be speaking up for your needs in a way that your friend understands.
Take a chance and put your needs out there. Try asking for specific feedback on something. Or make it clear you'd like them to just listen while you vent.
Maybe you're looking for support and would like to ask them for words of encouragement. "I need x, y, z. Can you help by...?" can go a long way when spoken to a person who genuinely cares for your well-being.
At the end of the day, many of us don't consciously prioritize boundaries. We're all just doing our best to communicate well.
On occasion a friend is struggling in survival mode, not sure how to tell you. Understanding things from your friend's perspective can be helpful. Extending grace and being patient is part of being in conscious relationship with others. Asking or checking in can be helpful when you can't read the situation or your friend's vibe.
In other cases, you might have to be more loving to yourself by taking an honest look at how you're getting hooked. Getting curious about your role in the situation and adjusting your energy investment is the most direct way you can impact the relationship dynamic over time.
I've found it helpful to do a quick run down of my day's communication with a boundaries eval to make sure I'm not self-abandoning in friendships as it's a common pattern if you grew up in a household where your needs were often neglected.
This can take two seconds while you're brushing your teeth or a few minutes while you're journaling as part of your nightly self-care routine. I invite you to give this a try and let me know if it's helpful!
If you're stuck in enmeshment cycles, let's work together so you can learn how disentangle yourself skillfully and begin practicing new communication skills that explore boundaries in a safe way (with a regulated nervous system!).
And yes, navigating communication with family, a partner or partners, and your co-workers and boss comes with their own set of challenges AND there's a lot of overlap in the new templates we're creating for ourselves.
Dive in! Have fun with it! You'll be amazed what can happen when you establish a daily practice of energy hygiene and boundaries repair. It's changed my life SO MUCH by making it feel safe to come back into authentic connection with others as me! The depth of intimacy and nurturance of compassion has lit up a whole new world to explore together as humans.
Thank you Maryam Hasnaa for your course The Subtle Art of Relationship Dynamics! I've enrolled two years in a row. It's such a brilliant nuanced approach to understanding how energy management impacts relationships and communication. I highly recommend it!
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